No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
