I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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