also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
