you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
