Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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