I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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