Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
