Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
