So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize