Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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