The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
