textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
