Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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