You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
