when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I could make wine with my vomit
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
