the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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