Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
