I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize