I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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