Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Randomize
