Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
