Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
