Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
