I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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