We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
