We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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