I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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