I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize