reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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