All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize