I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
