Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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