I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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