I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
