What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
