Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
