Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
