Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
