I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Randomize
