census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
