Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
