the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
