U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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