I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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