i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
The air taste purple.
Randomize