Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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