If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
