I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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