the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i came on her dog
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
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