I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize