listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
