youre lurking in front of me
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
