if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
