Please, let me fuck your mom
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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