I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
