I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
