We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
