I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
