I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
