I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
